Divorce is hard for parents to go through, but it can be just as upsetting and confusing for children to experience. They may feel like they aren’t as loved and appreciated as they used to be or they may find themselves in the middle of some upsetting situations. Regardless of how old your child is or how easy the divorce may be, it’s always worth going the extra mile to make sure they know how loved and supported they are, by both parents, even during a divorce. Before you even get on the phone with your solicitors, you should make sure your child’s needs are at the forefront of your mind.
The last thing that should happen is a child being put in an uncomfortable situation by the people who are supposed to keep them safe. However, it can be hard to keep your emotions controlled when going through a stressful experience such as a divorce. That’s why we’ve put together this blog so that you can help your child feel okay about their parent’s divorce.
Respect their emotions
Kids will experience a rollercoaster of emotions every single day, but if you are going through a divorce you should expect to see even more emotions bubble to the surface. However, some kids may tend to keep it bottled up so it’s important to let them know it's okay to feel sad or angry or any other emotion that might come up. Encourage your child to share how they’re feeling and make sure they know that it won’t upset you if they tell you the truth. Your child may not be ready to share their emotions just yet but it's important to give them the opportunity to. Kids will often avoid telling their parents the truth because they don’t want to make them more upset. Try and teach your child that it isn’t their job to make you feel better, but it's yours to make them feel heard and listened to.
You can best respect your child’s emotions by listening and not intervening. Most parents will want to jump in and protect their child from feeling things that are painful by telling them not to think like that. But the best thing you can do is let them talk about it and express their opinion. It’s important to let your child know that their emotions aren’t something to ‘get over’ and they can experience them for as long as they need to. For example, if your child says that they’re angry, rather than finding ways to fix the problem. Validate their emotions by explaining how you understand why they may feel that way.
What should you expect?
Every child is different, but many of them will react with similar worries or fears. If you know what to expect you will be able to handle these situations better.
Guilt
It’s quite common for children to blame themselves when their parents are getting a divorce. This is particularly true with younger kids as they are much more egocentric. Even if you have explained the reason that you and your partner are getting a divorce, they may feel that it is all because of them. It’s important that you explain that it isn’t their fault, although they may not understand this at first. It’s also important to know that when a child’s parents are getting a divorce, they feel that they are losing their family just as much as you do and you should try to validate these feelings.
Anxiety
Divorce can make many kids anxious. It is a disruption to everything they have ever known, their routines, their family holidays and their family unit. If you notice this is making your child anxious, it will help them to explain what to expect and how things might change. Explain to them what their new living arrangements will look like or create a calendar that can show which days they will be with a particular parent. Most of the anxiety comes from not knowing, so give them as much information as they need to process the changes. As a parent, you should make your co-parenting routine a priority in order to minimise the changes the child has to go through. Kids will be able to settle in quicker to a new routine if they understand what is happening.
Behaviour issues
As kids experience anxiety or stress, you may notice they are acting out more. This also might be a way of testing out their new boundaries and seeing how far they can go. A structured environment with clear communication and expectations will be able to help your child’s behavioural issues. Try to maintain the same level of structure in both households.
Withdrawing
Some kids might become more withdrawn or aloof. While you should try and give your child space, you also need to create opportunities to spend time with them. Perhaps consider suggesting a fun day out to the zoo or to the park, it will give them a chance to talk to you and make them feel heard and seen. It’s best not to force your child to talk though, make sure you aren’t pressuring them into expressing themselves as it could upset them further. Keep an eye on what your child is doing, are they still enjoying everyday activities? Do they still want to spend time with friends? If not, you may want to try and get them back on track. Help maintain a sense of normalcy and don’t let them completely withdraw from school or their friends as this is a large part of their support system. Any signs of depression, adjustment disorder or school refusal should be taken seriously.
Parenting tips during a divorce
Here are some tips to help you navigate divorce when children are involved.
- Model calm. One of the most important things you can do is maintain calmness around your child. If they are constantly seeing you upset or angry, it can make things a lot harder for them. You should still be their rock during a divorce and offer them the help they need to get through it. Try to avoid your child witnessing any conflict between you and your ex-partner. It can be particularly traumatising for a child to see their parents hate each other.
- Be civil. Although this is easier said than done, the best thing you can do for your child is stay civil with your ex. Try not to speak negatively about your ex-partner in front of your child as, at the end of the day, that person is still your child’s parent and it isn’t fair for you to make them think less of them.
- Get support. You don’t need to handle this alone. There are many places that offer support for children, particularly through their school. They may be able to offer counselling sessions for your child. Allowing your child the chance to talk about their feelings with someone other than you is very important during a divorce.
- Get support for yourself. While your child should come first, that doesn’t mean you should neglect your own well-being. Make sure you are talking to the right people and you are making use of your own support system. Divorce is one of the most stressful and upsetting life events many of us go through in our lives. But you aren’t alone. The better you are able to cope with your divorce, the better parent you will be for your child.
DJP Solicitors - Family Law and Divorce Solicitors
Are you looking for a law firm in Aberdeen that can help you through your divorce? We are affordable solicitors that can help the process to be more stress-free. We offer fixed-price divorces so you don’t need to worry about the cost of your divorce. To learn more about our services and how we can help you, get in touch today.
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